Healing Mother & father wounds to reparent yourself
Our childhood experiences influence how we perceive ourselves and others, particularly in the context of relationships; Many people with difficult upbringings might feel confused on how to embody a role that they never seen represented within their own family unit. The wounds left by absent or dysfunctional parents can have a significant impact when adult on our love language or how we interact in our relationships, even the one with ourselves.
Understanding the unique dynamics of the relation with our parents allows us to efficiently heal our inner child and identify the patterns within our relationships; This article is an helpful resource for readers seeking to heal from parental traumas, and strengthen their relationships with themselves and others.
What is reparenting?
Reparenting is a self-directed process of supplying yourself with the love, support and validation that your parents may have failed to provide. It is also reclaiming your independence by realising you are not the child you used to be and can now decide for yourself. Learning who you are without all your trauma responses while becoming the adult you would have need as a child.
The 4 Pillars of reparenting are: Discipline, Joy, Emotional Regulation, and Self-care. Depending on your unique childhood experience and coping mechanisms, some of these will be more difficult than others.
To recover from our past wounds and build healthy relationships, we must reframe our inner conversation and determine which voice we have been internalising through our upbringing, life experiences or traumas. This could include challenging negative beliefs imposed by our parents and replacing them with more empowering narratives. Also setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself is a form of self-care, as keeping silence in a hope to preserve peace is often only starting a war within ourselves. Furthermore, practicing self-compassion and mindfulness can help us cultivate stronger relationships with ourselves and others- by learning how to communicate our needs in a respectful manner that is reflecting what we actually think and feel.
Father wound vs mother wound
The mother wound tends to be about a lack of emotional safety, which prevents us from learning how to self-soothe and regulate our emotions, while the father wound impacts self-image, worthiness, self-confidence and a sense of independence.
Ultimately, having a parental wounds means we feel an emotional missing piece in our relation with our mother/ father or both. Those who grew up without a parent can sometimes look for partner validation as a coping mechanisms: Their partner approval seem to fill a void and voice. Healing from parental wounds is a balance between acknowledging negative feelings such as anger and resentment and recognising that we may need to grieve the version of the parent we wish we had.
Individuals with an anxious attachment style may want frequent validation and reassurance from their relationships, whereas those with an avoidant attachment style may withdraw or avoid closeness. These coping methods are frequently derived from childhood experiences and are strongly established in our subconscious.
The Father Wound's Impact on Partner Dynamics
Growing up without a father figure can create a hole in our life, prompting us to seek validation and acceptance from love relationships. Without a good male role model, we may subconsciously rely on our spouses to fill the emotional hole left by our absent father. This can manifest as allowing our partners to communicate with us in ways that are similar to the relationship dynamics we had with our fathers, such as being aloof, overbearing, or missing.
This might appear in adult relationships as trouble trusting others, difficulties maintaining emotional intimacy, or problems with assertiveness. Individuals with a father wound may become unduly dependant on partners for acceptance or excessively distant, reflecting the dynamics they experienced with their father.
Gender roles and socialisation also influence how we handle relationships. Society gender norms can exacerbate the effects of father-mother wounds. For example, males who have had a paternal wound may struggle with societal expectations to look tough and unemotional, complicating their connection with vulnerability.
The Mother Wound: Impact on Self-Talk
Similarly, our relationship with our mothers influences our inner conversation and self-perception. If our mothers were critical or aloof, we can internalise their words and develop negative self-talk patterns. If our mothers were loving and helpful, we could have a better self-image. Our internal conversation is frequently a reflection of the connection dynamics we had with our mothers.
Typically influences how one perceives oneself, affecting self-esteem and self-compassion. It may also influence how one establishes boundaries in relationships. For example, someone with a mother wound may struggle to say no, or they may establish rigid boundaries as a protective measure.
Due to the disorienting nature of trauma, children often see dismiss the relevance of their stories, when they are not in denial themselves of the abuse they endure, making it delicate to untangle what's truly going on behind closed doors. Both Mother Wound or father wound can manifest as attachment issues, co-dependent patterns, depression and anxiety, disordered eating, and substance misuse. It is important to treat ourselves and others experiencing such hardships with compassion, appreciating progress and even minor achievements on their path towards healing.
How to heal from parental trauma?
Healing the parent wound is about reparenting yourself. Releasing the emotional baggage is an ongoing journey and the healing process varies from one person to the other. You should allow yourself as long as you need until feeling safe in your space and in your body.
Validate your inner child: You feelings are valid, sometimes it is on our way to express ourselves that we need to work. Use journaling prompts like "What did I need most as a child?" or "What words would you like to hear right now?" This can help you connect with your inner kid and feel more comfortable. You might have learn to supress your emotions or being burdened by shame. To take the time to listen to your inner feelings and stored emotions unprocessed as a child can help you to uncover how you truly feel to start putting things back in their place emotionally. Engage in role-playing or communication with your inner child using therapeutic writing or speaking exercises, expressing empathy and compassion for your younger self's circumstances.
Appropriate distance: The art of detachment to diminish the influences or hold your parents’ opinions of you might have on your behaviour and wellbeing. Resentment, especially when justified, can linger until we are able to detach from what happened to us. If forgiving might be a too early step to consider, letting go of the blame and seeing your parents/ care givers as the wounded child they might also once have been, with a traumatic turning point making them someone irresponsible to care for you the way they probably should have. They are not response-able in the sense of being receptive or attune to your needs as they should because of their own traumas, blockages and obsolete coping mechanisms.
Repairing Time for yourself: Create a schedule that includes meditation, frequent exercise, and adequate sleep. These routines establish a foundation of physical well-being that promotes emotional wellness. Self-Care Practices and patience for yourself on this healing journey where you will keep on processing and understanding your feelings better; Practice loving discipline with yourself by giving yourself the time and space to grieve the relationship you wish you had with your parents.
The energy of a problem is not the energy of a solution and thinking of the past all the time is sometimes holding on to a version of reality that does not exist anymore. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and validate your experiences to offer yourself the empathy you may have longed for. Treat yourself with the same kindness, compassion and understanding you would offer to someone you love.
Forgive yourself if sometimes you are feeling overwhelmed or confused by the situation. Anger and sadness are not to be hold onto, they are emotions in transition: Reframing can be a powerful tool to admit how your childhood made you feel. The respect we have or want to have toward our parents can make it challenging to articulate what we want to communicate to them but with patience mostly toward yourself, you can break dysfunctional patterns and regain your power. Re-find your child-like wonder and engage in creative activities alongside therapy southing your nervous system, therefore enabling your inner child to feel safer.
Practical Healing Strategies:
Therapy Modalities: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) are effective for dealing with deep-seated childhood traumas and modifying negative thought patterns.
Support groups: Joining communities where others have had similar experiences can provide a safe space to communicate and recover.
Professional Guidance: Seek support from psychologists or therapists who specialise in childhood trauma and can effectively guide the reparenting process.
