Gaslighting: recognising it and setting boundary for emotional freedom
Discover practical methods for identifying and conquering gaslighting, setting boundaries with assertiveness, and gaining emotional independence. Explore the unconscious or conscious motivations behind gaslighting behaviours, as well as useful strategies to safeguard your mental well-being on your path of self-actualisation.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique in which an individual or group causes another person to doubt their own reality, recollections, or perceptions.
Gaslighting undermines the victim's self-assurance, mental well-being, and sense of worth; Gaslighters employ this tactic to exert control over their victims, frequently in order to escape responsibility for their deeds or to hold onto dominance in a partnership.
Gaslighting can be used consciously or subconsciously. It is a purposeful tactic used to subjugate and dominate others. It may be an unconscious defence mechanism resulting from detachment, denial, or deep-seated trauma.
Conscious gaslighting
Conscious gaslighting is frequently linked to people who display the Machiavellian, psychopath, and narcissistic characteristics known as the Dark Triad.
Dark Triad Characteristics:
Narcissism: People who exhibit narcissistic qualities have an intense desire for adulation and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. To uphold their superiority and avoid admitting their mistakes or transgressions, they could use gaslighting.
Psychopathy: Psychopaths are characterised by their antisocial behaviour, impulsivity, and lack of empathy. They could use gaslighting to take advantage of others regardless of the emotional damage they cause.
Machiavellianism: Machiavellians are extremely crafty, sneaky, and manipulative. As part of a larger plan to manipulate and take advantage of others, they gaslight people.
Unintentional Gaslighting
Unintentional gaslighting may happen because of underlying psychological processes such as Trauma Response: As a subconscious coping mechanism, those who have gone through trauma may gaslight others when shielding themselves from confronting their own painful experiences.Denial: Refusing to acknowledge reality or facts is a defence mechanisms used by people triggered by shame, to reject painful feelings. Their interpretation of reality might feature gaslighting.
Dissociation: Dissociation is the detachment from reality that frequently follows a traumatic event. People may gaslight others because they sincerely cannot recall part of the event.
Overcoming the discomfort of setting boundaries to Achieve Emotional Freedom
Every event in our life plays it part, yet our emotional patterns are mostly shaped by the dynamics during childhood; So if you were not show healthy examples of boundaries when you were younger or if you grew up in an environment enabling a certain level of gaslighting, you might find it challenging to reframe certain situation in your life situation and difficult to set boundaries in a way making you feel respected.
Our emotions impact our thoughts, words and actions, which then impact our relation to people, the world and ourselves.
It might not feel comfortable at first to set boundaries as you are not used to assert yourself to such extend, but it will get easier as you grow in confidence.
On the long term, it is easier to feel uncomfortable standing up for yourself, rather than feeling uncomfortable because you are shrinking your soul, even if your emotions might signal otherwise; Emotions are like signals that can help us to create a life either guiding us towards our objectives or triggering our fear of happiness - consciously or unconsciously. If you were or are being disrespected, you might want to regulate your nervous system to process better your emotions instead of storing them in your mind and body; to get back to a peaceful energy flow as quickly as possible.
Our "emotional colour code" is expanded when we develop new habits and increase our awareness. Developing good coping skills helping you to reframe situations and assert yourself, alongside a good support system and a loving atmosphere are part of the ideal environment in the healing process of traumas.
Reacting to Gaslighting: Techniques and Advice
Recognising Gaslighting When Someone Gaslights You
Recast the Discussion
Gaslighters may attempt to twist reality and make up justifications in order to control the truth. Reframe the debate in a composed manner and point out their actions to contradict this. As an illustration:
"I understand you see it that way, but here are the facts as I remember them.""You seem to focus more on improving your own self-esteem than on dealing with the incident. Let us concentrate on the facts”
Save Your Vitality
In an attempt to quiet you, gaslighters may transfer their guilt onto you. Make it very apparent that their strategies are not warping your reality in order to preserve your energy. For example:
"I need to take a break from our relationship until we can interact with mutual respect and honesty."" When we're both calm and receptive to each other , we will discuss."
Retain your distance and respect.
Changes in your tone are often used by gaslighters as an excuse to reverse the role and play victim. Keep your distance and respond with respect to avoid having then taking advantage of your reactions. As an illustration:
’I have to end this discussion now. When I'm ready to speak again, I'll get in touch."
"I need some space until we can have a respectful conversation. Thank you for understanding.
In order to respond to gaslighting, you must strike a personal balance between asserting your own safety and stating clear limits regarding what you will or will not tolerate. Demonstrate assertiveness by valuing the feelings of others as much as you respect your own limits. You may negotiate these difficult conversations and preserve your peace of mind by respectfully reframing the topic, protecting your energy, keeping appropriated distance, and setting clear boundaries, accordingly.
Self-Actualisation to help Define your boundaries
You are not who you used to be. People might know you a certain way but as humans, we are always evolving and changing: You determine who you are and how you want to act. You can’t change your circumstances but you can change your response to the circumstances. You are in charge of deciding what is important in your life and what space in your thoughts people hold. You are sovereign of your reality and have the power to self-actualise. You can also engage in therapy and inner child healing exercises like dialogue or visualisation. Write about past events, expressing your emotions and releasing shame, anger, sadness, resentment and grief.
Emphasis on self-compassion. Compose a letter of love and encouragement to your inner child, acknowledging how much you have grown into someone willing and able to protect yourself. Think back on the skills you've acquired over life, confirming your worth for love and security. Make affirmations that express security, steadiness, and a sense of belonging. You don't want to be feel broken and obsessing over who hurt you or what you have been through; so you have strategies, therapy and support in place to deal with the situation and move on with your life. So far, you have successfully made it through your darkest moments and you are stronger than the circumstances around you.
Detachment from your old self. Recognising patterns and putting in place new system serving the person you are becoming is a journey. Be patient with yourself and be grateful for your personal evolution. Forgiveness is a door on the road of detachment. Yet keep in mind that forgiving does not imply allowing a cycle to repeat or giving your power away to anyone; You can forgive someone and refuse to engage with them or never seeing them again. Forgiveness is not something that should be forced onto you, nor a destination to rush to without feeling it. Forgiving means this aspect of your past does not define who you are as a person, and you reached a point from which you can see that the person who hurt you is only behaving as well as their emotional, mental, and physical tools allows them too, and no matter how much we love them, we cannot control their capacity to be responsable toward us. We can only control what we will or will not tolerate and act accordingly.
A few example of healthy boundaries:
The right to express your emotions and communicate your feelings
Finding Your Identity Outside of your Relationship
The right to change your mind and preferences
Ownership and agency over your financial assets.
Freedom to choose your spiritual or religious beliefs
Right to decide what is a priority in your life
Prioritising personal time for self-care
Ownership and agency over your financial assets.
Defining your own limits (what supports you versus what detracts from your well-being)
Each life is different and the recovery process after being gaslighted or having your boundaries crossed, varies from one person to another. We love to hear about your personal journey; Did you ever have to set boundaries with someone trying to gaslight you? Please share your stories with us. We are here to encourage you on your journey to recovery and self-actualisation.
Balancing your Root Chakra: Healing the root of behaviours
Healing the Root Chakra entails more than just thinking positively, it means assessing ingrained childhood foundations and traumas to deal with our repressed emotions and reestablish our sense of stability.